If there’s anyone that’s the target of disdain and loathing at the Scranton Dunder-Mifflin branch, it’s Toby. Everybody adores Jim and Pam. You can’t help but have an affinity for Michael Scott despite his sweet ignorance. And if you look beyond Stanley’s negativity, Meredith’s alcohol-induced shenanigans and Angela’s superiority complex, they all have endearing qualities.
But Toby? Toby’s just a buzzkill. He sucks the joy out of everything in the workplace. He is a killer of dreams. A hater of happiness. Nobody wants him around and he knows it, which makes him depressed and even more unlikable and repellant. But did you ever stop to wonder what made Toby that way? I have and I know. Human Resources.
Last week in two different television shows that we were watching, someone talked about the evil that is the HR department. The scenarios were very similar. Someone was having fun or joking around when another person mentioned HR and suddenly all levity came to a screeching halt.
Knowing that I’m the Human Resources Manager at my company, my daughter looked at me quizzically and said, “Why does everyone hate HR?” I paused. Then I turned to her and told her that was an excellent question and I would try to explain it to her to the best of my ability.
“Well,” I said “you know when it’s Friday afternoon and you’re in your last class with your ipad and books all packed up, ready for the bell to ring?” She raised one eyebrow at me.
“Yeah,” she said.
“You know how there’s always one kid who raises their hand and reminds the teacher that he forgot to give out a homework assignment for the weekend?”
“Yeah,” she raised her other eyebrow.
I looked at her as if I were about to tell her that I was secretly a serial killer. I held both her hands in mine and gazed deep into her eyes. “Honey,” I said. “I’m that kid.” She took a soft gasp and looked down, crestfallen. #TruthHurts
As a parent, you hope that your kid imagines you leaving the house to go to work, and as soon as you’re out of sight, ripping off your clothes to reveal your superhero leotard.
(Which incidentally has never impressed me about superheroes. I mean, if someone’s going to save you would you rather that he’s wearing a chest plate and brandishing a sword? Or dressed in spandex with a stylish matching belt and boots? I’m just sayin’.) Anyhow, it was clear to see the disappointment on her face when she discovered that I was not only the one in all those shows that everyone hated. But that the hatred was well-earned and justified.
As an HR Manager, I am constantly amazed at the variety of issues I’m forced to deal with. All of the job descriptions out there lack an accurate view of the position.
If companies were honest, their job postings for HR would read something like this:
Wanted: Full Time HR Manager. Must be willing to work any hour of day or night to address employee issues from paper cuts and hurt feelings to lawsuits and death threats. Requirements: proven ability to keep your cool and work in an environment where you are loathed by basically everyone. Ability to deflect insults and small projectiles, basic MS Office and mind-reading skills required. Immunity to VooDoo dolls and curses a plus, but not required.
Previous experience required:
Compliance Officer – "California labor law clearly states that you must take a 30 minute lunch. You were clocked out for only 29 minutes, resulting in a violation. I'm going to have to document that."
Internal Revenue Auditor – “Your expense report was rejected because, out of $2,500 in receipts, $7.50 was spent on a beer.”
Parole Officer – “Where were you at 3:00 yesterday? You were supposed to be at the mandatory staff meeting where we were voting on whether to have another mandatory staff meeting or not!”
Judge – “You’ve already been written up twice. You know what happens when you get three strikes, right?”
Lie Detector – “So you missed work to take care of your sick mother? Is that the same mother for whom you got 5 paid days of bereavement last year?”
Narc – “I saw you two holding hands. I need to have you come in to complete a consensual relationship agreement. You know I’ll have to report this to legal, right?”
Priest – “I have so much dirt on everyone in this place and I have to take it to my grave. This is torture.”
Therapist – “So maybe we can take some of that, um, passion and channel it into something positive, you think?”
Fortune Teller – “This employee is going to be a problem, I can already feel it.”
Psychologist – “And how does that make you feel?”
Mom – “I think we need to talk a little bit about your personal hygiene.”
Babysitter – “If you two can't work together nicely, I will have to separate you."
Truth Teller – “You have several areas of “opportunity” I need you to focus on immediately.”
Parrot – “You can’t say that to an employee! I’d like to see you in my office. Do you want to get sued? You can’t say that to an employee! I’d like to see you in my office. Do you want to get sued? You can’t..."
Comprehensive benefits package includes: An enormous amount of power, but absolutely no prestige, too many hours for too little pay, and job security for as long as you want. Because, frankly, nobody else wants to do this shit! #HRHell
Yep, I get paid to be the bad guy, the hall monitor, the thorn in everyone's side. It’s my job. And I’m pretty damn good at it. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t kill just a little bit of my soul every day.
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